What a crazy, awesome year it has been! So many major changes have happened in such a short amount of time. It’s been a whirlwind to say the least. Here’s a quick recap of our year:
Started My Blog
Starting this blog was a huge deal for me. An internal conflict raged within me for years and years. It was finally coming to a head and I had a decision to make. After a few years of spiritual work and healing I had embraced my priestesshood and committed myself to walk the path I have wanted for so long. I felt called to something more, something bigger, and the more connected I became to the sacredness of life, the more the other path looked bleak and meaningless. I knew that publicly embracing my lifestyle out in the open would make me vulnerable, that being the woo-woo hippy chic who reads Tarot and lights fires under the full moon would conflict with my lifelong dependency on the acceptance and admiration of others. I was so afraid that people wouldn’t like “the real me” and that being rejected after putting myself out there would make me run further back into my shell. Instead, the opposite happened. I have become more confident, and more determined. I feel like my soul is shining, on fire for the future and full of inspiration and passion for this amazing life I’ve been gifted. At this point, I’ve walked the path for almost a year now. I’m so far down the road that the fork that seemed so menacing last December is a distant memory, barely visible. No going back now, not that I would even want to!
Found Out I Was Pregnant
In the early morning hours of April 4th, I laid in my bed, waiting for the alarm to go off (Starbucks opens really, really early in the morning). I was dreaming about the moon. She was big and round and red as a rose. In the dream, I went outside in my backyard, and called out to her. She descended slowly from her place above the East Texas pine trees until eventually she was close enough to reach out to. I couldn’t make contact with her, there was a magnetic force that kept us separated, but nonetheless she staid with me and we danced. In that moment I felt a hormonal rush that I’ve never felt before and a buzzing in my body that lasted all day. When I woke up I was shaking. At work, I looked through the drive thru window as the moon, bright and beautiful, was eclipsed by shadow. Something had changed inside me and I knew it. I just didn’t expect it to be a pregnancy!
I don’t have the easiest time having babies. At 19, soon after my husband and I started dating, I had a chemical pregnancy, meaning the egg was fertilized and so showed two pink lines on the test strips, but failed to implant in the uterus. It took five more years before I would become pregnant with our son - and that’s five years without any birth control of any kind. A year after my son’s birth I became pregnant again, but suffered a miscarriage around week 12. By the time I got pregnant with my little girl, I had almost decided that I had been given a miracle once and should just accept that he wasn’t meant to have siblings. Apparently, the Universe had other plans for our family. It’s been nerve wracking, I spent most of my first and second trimester terrified that I would have another miscarriage. Thankfully, I didn’t and I’m now in my 40th week, waiting patiently to hold her in my arms.
We Moved to Corpus Christi
My husband and I have dreamed about living on the beach since we were dating. I’ve always felt called towards California, and after an inspiring vacation as a kid, my husband has been borderline obsessed with Hawaii. We tried very unsuccessfully to make our way out to Santa Cruz, California the summer of 2012 - gypsy style in our RV. Things could not have gone worse. I won’t get into that long story in this post but let’s just say when you have problems, fears and issues that need to be dealt with, they will find you, regardless of how far you try to run away from them. That move was devastating. It led to a life altering separation from my husband that lasted almost a year and was my first introduction to shadow work. 2012 was full of the worst days of my adult life, but they were the most transformational.
When I found out my husband got accepted to a University on the Texas Coast I was both thrilled and terrified. We had finally come out of this massive ordeal together. Things were good, we were back on track and more in love than ever. Our family had finally healed. Moving felt eerily similar to our past experience and I was so afraid that something would go wrong again. Still, it felt like this was the right path for us, and I had faith that we were ready. This time we weren’t running from our past, we were moving toward our dreams and the future we had always wanted. We went for it, and now that we’ve been settled in for six months, I can say it’s one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. Palm trees line the streets everywhere we go. Beautiful beaches are a 10 minute car ride in all directions and this city feels like it was made for me.
I started my maternity leave on December 5th, and all that rapid forward momentum just stopped. This one month has felt like an eternity. I’m in my third week of prodormal labor. For days and days I’ll start having contractions. A few times I’ve had patterned contractions every five minutes. Then I fall asleep, and wake up with no baby. It’s been really, really frustrating. My original due date came and went. More and more people call and ask if the baby is here yet. I have had to work hard on having faith in my body. I’ve chosen a natural birth at home, and am grateful because there isn’t a doubt in my mind that in my extremely vulnerable state that an OBGYN could easily convince me to induce. Again, this topic is a post on it’s own, so I won’t go into it all the way. I’ve done a lot of spiritual work in the last few days, lots of thinking and meditating and crying and leaning on my husband for emotional support. I was hoping that by the time I wrote this post I could write about my birth, but it looks like she wants to stay just a little while longer. Look for an update soon guys!!
And that’s it, my 2015 in a nutshell. How was your year? I would love to hear your milestones and memories in the comments below!