I am a writer.
Since I was a little girl, my love of writing has been the fuel that keeps my passion stoked. When I don’t write, I curl up and begin to die. I know it’s dramatic…but it’s the truth.
So, why then did I take 9 months off from publishing content?
At first it was by accident. Writing free blog posts doesn’t pay the bills. I needed to monetize my website and my unresolved issues with mixing money and magick left me paralyzed. Despite having worked hard to improve my money mindset, I was still held captive by my fear of stepping into power.
I needed some deep shadow work.
When the shadows beckon, I’ve learned you have two options.
Go toward it.
Or run away and ignore it’s presence.
Pain is involved either way, but manifests in two different forms.
The pain of shadow work is the pain that creates life. It pushes you outside of your boundaries. It’s a healing pain that throws you in the fires of redemption and singes your soul until you’re cleansed of the dross that has weighed you down for so long. It’s the pain of giving birth, the pain of expansion, of creation and evolution and growth – like the tearing of the membrane as a seedling bursts from the soil, eager to play its role in nature.
Running away causes a different kind of agony. The fear of approaching the shadow sends you running in the opposite direction, towards the searing illumination of blinding light.
Like a moth to a flame, we flee to our own demise. We wear the harshness of light like a cloak and try to make ourselves invisible. We erase our individuality and force our flame to be out shined and made irrelevant. We do anything to keep from being seen. To let the forces around us control our movements. It’s the pain of death, of giving up and giving in, of rushing back into the void of the cosmos because the heaviness of the material world has become too burdensome – like the soul is scraping at the insides, trying to tear itself free from a vessel that’s failed to fulfill its purpose.
I chose the second path.
What’s worse, is I twisted and manipulated my spiritual journey to make myself okay with it. I lied and told myself that I needed another hermitage. That I needed more time to study…to earn more credentials…for the political climate to settle down…for more money to be stashed away in my bank account.
The truth is…
… I was getting bombarded with freelance articles and requests from clients. My fear of having to go back to a 9 to 5 was unbearable. I would do anything to stay with my babies, to build the life I wanted. To keep from being chained to someone else’s schedule.
… I didn’t want to share my articles online anymore. I didn’t want my words to be distorted and ripped to shreds on Reddit forums. I didn’t want people to roll their eyes and post rude comments on my social media.
… I allowed my fear of internet trolls dictate whether I would continue walking down my path.
The interesting thing about running away is that you end up exactly at the place you were afraid of going. Like a hamster running in its wheel, you think you’re escaping from your shadows, but really, you’re just rushing head long into the darkness.
So, I gnashed my teeth, cut my hair to break my spiritual contract, and became flooded with anxiety and guilt. I blamed everyone else, my circumstances, Donald Trump, technology. I distracted myself with goals that would pull me further from my center, so I could feel like I was moving somewhere…anywhere.
I realized some time ago what I had done. Yet, once you’ve come back around to the shadowy places, there’s no way out but through.
So, I succumbed to the work that was to be done. I embraced the pain and allowed myself to feel it.
What did I learn from my days of escape, death and rebirth?
That resurrection isn’t a one-time event. It’s a lifelong process. I’ve also realized the power of stepping into the unknown. Ironically, and without intention, I have finally emerged from the depths of the cave exactly 9 months after my fall from grace. Though my eyes may still be adjusting to the light, and my feet tread softly on the shore, I’m ready once again to step back into the light and ride the next wave.
I hope you’ll come along for the journey. It’s gonna be a wild ride : )