I have a lot of changes going on right now. They are all positive, and exciting, but even the best kind of change can feel overwhelming and a little scary. Since starting this blog in January, it has been important for me to stay on top of my new project and make sure that it is successful. It's hard to know what kind of work goes into creating and maintaining a website until you have one of your own. There have been many late nights and long mornings in front of the computer typing, designing, editing and posting. Time began feeling a bit cramped after I started working part time again in February. My family is making a big move at the Texas Coast at the end of June and we are now in the throws of packing the house, which has taken up a lot of my weekdays.
The biggest (and best) change to happen recently was finding out that I'm pregnant!! I am so excited. It is still early, in fact I haven't had a sonogram yet. And, because of the chaos of February and March I paid little attention to the dates for my cycle, so I don't yet know exactly how far along I am. I've made it past the constantly queasy stage for the most part, but I have been completely wiped out. I mean, it feels ridiculous how early I'm going to bed these days. I usually put my son to sleep at 7:30 pm, and now I fall asleep while putting him down, every night. For some reason, my body has decided it needs twelve hours of sleep every night to make this baby. That's four hours a day of work time that used to be set aside for my homework (I'm getting my degree in Educational Studies) and my website that just isn't there anymore. So, needless to say, between the lack of time and the lack of caffeine my energy level has plummeted and it's really hard to keep the momentum going the way it was before.
My first instinct was to beat myself up mentally. Play coach and whip myself back into shape. To fake it till I make it, and act like I had a ton of energy and force the work out of me. I didn't want to use pregnancy or any other excuse to fall behind on my work. This site means so much to me, it was a major stepping stone to embracing my purpose, and I made a lot of scary and brave choices to open myself up to the world and follow a new, more meaningful path. Losing speed feels like losing the race, and I don't want all this hard work to be for nothing. So, old patterns of self-sabotage and guilt resurfaced. Then I realized, this is the destructive me, the one I have been trying so hard to heal over the past several months. I am done with being pushy and cruel to myself – punishing me for not doing well enough, or not being good enough to impress those around me. This time, I will not do it. I will not get into the destructive cycle of pushing myself too hard and then giving up because the pressure has become too much to bare.
Instead I will realize that I am a beautiful, strong woman who is in the middle of one of the most amazing times in my life. I will not push myself through this pregnancy like it's something to be conquered. I want to take it slow, relish in the moment, and pay attention to the details. I have a hard time getting pregnant. My husband and I have never used birth control of any kind, yet it took five years for my son to be born. It's been almost five years since, and I'm just now pregnant again. There was a time not so long ago when I had decided that maybe my son was a miraculous gift from the Universe and I needed to come to terms with the fact that he wouldn't have any siblings. And then bam! Surprise, another baby. I refuse to be ungrateful for the chance at miracle number two.
I believe women follow a set of cycles that our patriarchal society simply isn't structured for. We follow an emotional ebb and flow. We rise and fall, we wax and wane. Sometimes we have a lot of energy and we feel like we can conquer the world. Other times we need to take a break, reflect on what is going on in our lives and take a slow, intuitive approach to our daily life. In a panic for trying to keep up with the “rules” of blogging and internet business, I almost forgot the reason I had started this whole thing. It's not about how many twitter followers I can gain in a month, or how many page views Google Analytics claims I have. This is about expressing my passion and helping other people become inspired. So, for the next few months, you guys might see a little less of me. I might do one post every other week instead of three every week. I might not post as often on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.
I will be writing my book about the Sacred Feminine (which should be done in the fall, fingers crossed).
I will be writing as often as possible, and will not neglect my online home.
I will keep in touch on social media, it will just be more organic.
I will be moving to the beach!
And most importantly, I will do what it takes to nurture this little human growing inside my womb.
I will take it slow, and smell the roses and write when I feel inspired to do so.
I hope you'll stick around, and sometime in the fall, when the energy has returned, you will be seeing a lot more of me.